everyday I love you less and less

Mood: DANGITALL.
Listening To: Everyday I Love You Less and Less by the Kaiser Chiefs
Reading: 3 Nephi.

Why can't I ever do anything right with people I love? Why can't I ever just give them a good answer or just shut up at the right times? Why can't I just learn from my mistakes? Why do I have to dig myself into a deeper and deeper hole? And I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I drag them into the same hole and I don't want that, and besides, no one wants to listen to it anyway.

I'm sick of being a whiny little girl pretending that she's happy. I'm sick of pretending that everything's okay. I'm sick of pretending that things at home are fine. I'm sick of pretending that I don't feel like the world is coming down around me. I'm sick of pretending that I can do it all by myself. I'm sick of pretending that I'm smart or funny or good at acting. I'm sick of it all.

At least I helped one person today. He thanked me and told me I was a great friend, but I still feel like crap. I'm glad he and I got to talk, and I'm glad he asked me the things he did, but I just feel like I'm screwing things up again for myself and one of my best friends. I feel like we don't talk.

She asked me if it bothered me that she and Lindsey had a sleepover. That doesn't bother me at all. I would have liked to have been there, but I don't mind. So I told her that it wasn't that, it was just I felt kinda distant from her and that I think we're just way too busy and haven't talked for a while, so we don't know what each other was feeling. She agreed mostly, but said she didn't feel distant from me at all. So what do I do? Quickly cover myself up and tell her that maybe I just read into things too much and maybe I just don't see it.

I'm retarded.

No, it doesn't bother me that she had a sleepover with Lindsey. Why would it? It just bothers me that I can't talk to her as much anymore because we just don't have time.

I want more time. That's all.

"It seems to make my whole past life invalid."
-Dancer, "Feiffer's People".

<\3 = brittany