everyday I love you less and less

Mood: DANGITALL.
Listening To: Everyday I Love You Less and Less by the Kaiser Chiefs
Reading: 3 Nephi.

Why can't I ever do anything right with people I love? Why can't I ever just give them a good answer or just shut up at the right times? Why can't I just learn from my mistakes? Why do I have to dig myself into a deeper and deeper hole? And I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I drag them into the same hole and I don't want that, and besides, no one wants to listen to it anyway.

I'm sick of being a whiny little girl pretending that she's happy. I'm sick of pretending that everything's okay. I'm sick of pretending that things at home are fine. I'm sick of pretending that I don't feel like the world is coming down around me. I'm sick of pretending that I can do it all by myself. I'm sick of pretending that I'm smart or funny or good at acting. I'm sick of it all.

At least I helped one person today. He thanked me and told me I was a great friend, but I still feel like crap. I'm glad he and I got to talk, and I'm glad he asked me the things he did, but I just feel like I'm screwing things up again for myself and one of my best friends. I feel like we don't talk.

She asked me if it bothered me that she and Lindsey had a sleepover. That doesn't bother me at all. I would have liked to have been there, but I don't mind. So I told her that it wasn't that, it was just I felt kinda distant from her and that I think we're just way too busy and haven't talked for a while, so we don't know what each other was feeling. She agreed mostly, but said she didn't feel distant from me at all. So what do I do? Quickly cover myself up and tell her that maybe I just read into things too much and maybe I just don't see it.

I'm retarded.

No, it doesn't bother me that she had a sleepover with Lindsey. Why would it? It just bothers me that I can't talk to her as much anymore because we just don't have time.

I want more time. That's all.

"It seems to make my whole past life invalid."
-Dancer, "Feiffer's People".

<\3 = brittany

I picked out your star

Mood: I don't know, really. Kinda frustrated, kinda down, but kinda happy and kinda loving.
Listening To: Your Star by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: 3 Nephi 11.

So. Not much has happened in the water polo world. I still haven't played goalie, no matter how much I want to, and JV keeps losing. But varsity keeps winning. And so, I'm losing and winning AT THE SAME TIME. OHMIGASH.

OH. And I'm going to State for drama. In fact, our WHOLE TEAM is going to State. (Of course, this is the first year that's possible, but you know.) And we got a perfect score at Region. So that's pretty cool. =3

But right now things are stressful. I worked with Tiff on Sunday, and she fixed a lot of things in my monologue, so I'm pretty excited for State, but there's nothing to do in drama, and I just sit around with nobody to talk to because Makenzie's helping do panels. Bleh. And then when I do see Makenzie long enough to talk to, she just kinda huffs like there's something wrong, but when I ask, she denies it.

And I wish she'd say more. Maybe something like, "Not now, later." or "Not a big deal, just frustrated." And I'd stop worrying. I'd stop thinking that she's avoiding me or that she doesn't want to talk to me.

And don't get me started on Michael. I haven't talked to the kid in ages. And I don't think he cares. So here I go, giving up again.

I'm sick and tired of smelling my little brother's hands. I'm sick and tired of trying to fix our stupid satellite receiver. I'm sick and tired of trying to juggle my house crap with my school crap.

AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING WITH MY MOM.

We cannot get along. I don't know what it is, but I can never make her happy. And I just want to give up on that, but you can't just walk away from home, no matter how much you want to. Even if your friend who's going to be 18 invites you into her own home, offering to be your guardian. Hah.

So that's why I have mixed feelings about everything. Nothing seems to be working out, that's all.


"Love me, that's all I ask of you."
-Christine from The Phantom of the Opera.


<\3 = brittany

there goes a modern fairy tale I wish it could happen to me

Mood: Mellow, but stressing.
Listening To: Somebody's Miracle by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi 4.

Well, we had our very first JV game today. It was a heckofalot of fun. And now, STORYTIME.

I played for a FRIGGIN' long time. Sam kept putting me in, and the girl in the hole and I wrestled it out. When I was on her, she never got the ball. =3 And when I got tired and told Sam to take me out, I swam to the edge and Sam was right there, "EXCELLENT DEFENSE! EXCELLENT!" And she patted me on the back, then Jess and Annie had to drag me out of the pool, I was so tired. Then Coach Wells was there, "You were great! Great defense!" And Jess and all the other girls on the bench were saying, "You did wicked awesome!" "You did great!" "You were amazing!" "When you were out there, I was like, SWEET! GO BRITTANY!"

And all I wanted was a drink of water. =3

So that was friggin' awesome. =D

And now I must sleep.

"If you can't win today, then none of us have a future."
"You have love. That's the only future God gives us."

-Marius and Jean Valjean from "Les Miserables".

<3 = brittany

but we'll beg and borrow everything we need

Mood: I hate periods.
Listening To: "Count On My Love" by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi, yo!

Ah. End of term is on Friday, plus pizza practice, plus water polo tournament, then on Saturday it's region, plus water polo. And I don't think I'm ready for region. Sure, I'm more ready than last year, but anything was better than that. XD

Things are slowly getting better with my mom, but I know, this weekend it's all gonna happen all over again. Urgh.

I dunno. This was a short and pointless blog. I hate periods, by the way. HATE THEM.

"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"And then some."

-Bailiff and Velma Kelly in Chicago.

<3 = brittany

when whilst thou save the people oh god of mercy when

Mood: I'm kinda out of it today.
Listening To: "God Save the People" from Godspell.
Reading: 1 Nephi 3.

Hoo. Tiffany's birthday party for me was last night. It was one of THE BEST things anyone has ever done for me. Ever. I freakin' love her. She even got me gifts. Like, expensive ones. Bath and Body Works lotion and body spray (which my mom broke), a Dickies watch, an Aeropostale shirt, Tic-Tacs, a purse, Disney princess markers, and chapstick. And Dono got me fruit snacks (suggestion of Lindsey Moe, who I freakin' love too). Holy fat cow, I wasn't expecting anything, and they went and got me stuff. And Lindsey gave me a sweet letter, yo. =D

So we had GREAT cake, and pizza, and ice cream, and root beer, and ice and Jess Coop. It was so awesome. I had a wonderful time. Her parents are so much like her, it's funny. Always worried about the comfort of people, always ready to serve. Oh, I love it.

And then I came home. And my mom and I got into a huge fight, I won't go into it. But she threw my presents all over the place, then we had a good ol' screamfest at each other, then I went to bed, crying.

I got up at 6:45 this morning, and I had to be at the pool at 7. So I booked it, and I was five minutes late. Stress. And then we worked on positions, so I played goalie for an hour. =3 I love goalie. Then we had this huge pancake breakfast, cleaned up the team room, reset lane lines, some girls scrubbed the locker rooms, and now I'm at home.

And I need a shower.

"I'll never give up my independence."

-Dancer, "Feiffer's People" by Jules Feiffer.

<3 = brittany

please just don't play with me my paper heart will bleed

Mood: Actually, I'm kinda bitter. But I'm SO FRIGGIN TIRED.
Listening To: "Paper Heart" by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: Book of Mormon and my monologue, "Fieffer's People" by Jules Fieffer.

So, my birthday has come and gone, and I had THE BEST birthday a girl could ask for. First, Kenzie calls me at midnight. I didn't have my cell phone with me, and my home phone didn't ring, but I finally got to my phone and listened to her voice message. She sang "Happy Birthday" to me. So sweet. So I called her back and showered her with my love and excitement, then finally went to bed. In the morning, I went to church, got cards there, plus an anonymous letter from this sweet girl in my ward, then I came home for an hour (during this time, Travis called and sang Happy Birthday), then my parents took Lindsey and I out to eat at Applebee's (and during this time Rikki called and wished me a Happy Birthday), and then we dropped Lindsey off at home, and I took my mom to Home Depot. Afterward, when we were going from Home Depot to Wal-Mart, Kenzie calls me. I freak out trying to get the phone out of my pocket, then I finally got it on speakerphone, and my mom held it while I drove.
"Where are you?"
"Taking my mom to Wal-Mart."
"You need to be at your house, like, right now!"
"What for?"
"There's just... a surprise there for you."
"Where are you, Kenzie?"
"Uh...home."
"Right. Okay. I'm coming home."
We turn around at Wal-Mart and head back to Overlake, and Kenzie calls again right as I'm about to turn.
"Where are you?"
"We're turning into Overlake right now!"
"Okay!" Click.
When I get home, I open my front door, and Michael and Makenzie are waiting with a homemade cake. It was so cute. Part of the B in birthday was mashed in, and it was a classic homemade cake. All smushed in with love. =3

So we ate cake, and they had to leave, and I was just so full of love for the world that the warm fuzzies DID NOT GO AWAY that night.

At 8:40-ish, Tiffany called and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. I love that girl.

So, yeah, I had a GREAT birthday.


But on a different note, we had our Purple-White game today for water polo, and we tied. I'm really happy about that. I thought we'd lose. And then came auditions for the competition one-act, "Haiku". I got cut with the first group (like I always am. It just doesn't hurt anymore), and went home and got stressed out because of lack of sleep, and I don't understand math, and my mom's freaking out at my dad, and my dad's freaking out at my mom, and I'm just trying to fold clothes like a good little girl and stay out of it...

So I'm just frustrated right now.

But hopefully things will turn up.

"Oh, those are Willum's. Willum has a pair like that. Probably."

-Tansy about flowered boxer shorts, from "The Nerd" by Larry Shue.

<3 = brittany