Mood: DANGITALL.
Listening To: Everyday I Love You Less and Less by the Kaiser Chiefs
Reading: 3 Nephi.
Why can't I ever do anything right with people I love? Why can't I ever just give them a good answer or just shut up at the right times? Why can't I just learn from my mistakes? Why do I have to dig myself into a deeper and deeper hole? And I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I drag them into the same hole and I don't want that, and besides, no one wants to listen to it anyway.
I'm sick of being a whiny little girl pretending that she's happy. I'm sick of pretending that everything's okay. I'm sick of pretending that things at home are fine. I'm sick of pretending that I don't feel like the world is coming down around me. I'm sick of pretending that I can do it all by myself. I'm sick of pretending that I'm smart or funny or good at acting. I'm sick of it all.
At least I helped one person today. He thanked me and told me I was a great friend, but I still feel like crap. I'm glad he and I got to talk, and I'm glad he asked me the things he did, but I just feel like I'm screwing things up again for myself and one of my best friends. I feel like we don't talk.
She asked me if it bothered me that she and Lindsey had a sleepover. That doesn't bother me at all. I would have liked to have been there, but I don't mind. So I told her that it wasn't that, it was just I felt kinda distant from her and that I think we're just way too busy and haven't talked for a while, so we don't know what each other was feeling. She agreed mostly, but said she didn't feel distant from me at all. So what do I do? Quickly cover myself up and tell her that maybe I just read into things too much and maybe I just don't see it.
I'm retarded.
No, it doesn't bother me that she had a sleepover with Lindsey. Why would it? It just bothers me that I can't talk to her as much anymore because we just don't have time.
I want more time. That's all.
"It seems to make my whole past life invalid."
-Dancer, "Feiffer's People".
<\3 = brittany
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
I picked out your star
Mood: I don't know, really. Kinda frustrated, kinda down, but kinda happy and kinda loving.
Listening To: Your Star by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: 3 Nephi 11.
So. Not much has happened in the water polo world. I still haven't played goalie, no matter how much I want to, and JV keeps losing. But varsity keeps winning. And so, I'm losing and winning AT THE SAME TIME. OHMIGASH.
OH. And I'm going to State for drama. In fact, our WHOLE TEAM is going to State. (Of course, this is the first year that's possible, but you know.) And we got a perfect score at Region. So that's pretty cool. =3
But right now things are stressful. I worked with Tiff on Sunday, and she fixed a lot of things in my monologue, so I'm pretty excited for State, but there's nothing to do in drama, and I just sit around with nobody to talk to because Makenzie's helping do panels. Bleh. And then when I do see Makenzie long enough to talk to, she just kinda huffs like there's something wrong, but when I ask, she denies it.
And I wish she'd say more. Maybe something like, "Not now, later." or "Not a big deal, just frustrated." And I'd stop worrying. I'd stop thinking that she's avoiding me or that she doesn't want to talk to me.
And don't get me started on Michael. I haven't talked to the kid in ages. And I don't think he cares. So here I go, giving up again.
I'm sick and tired of smelling my little brother's hands. I'm sick and tired of trying to fix our stupid satellite receiver. I'm sick and tired of trying to juggle my house crap with my school crap.
AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING WITH MY MOM.
We cannot get along. I don't know what it is, but I can never make her happy. And I just want to give up on that, but you can't just walk away from home, no matter how much you want to. Even if your friend who's going to be 18 invites you into her own home, offering to be your guardian. Hah.
So that's why I have mixed feelings about everything. Nothing seems to be working out, that's all.
"Love me, that's all I ask of you."
-Christine from The Phantom of the Opera.
<\3 = brittany
Listening To: Your Star by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: 3 Nephi 11.
So. Not much has happened in the water polo world. I still haven't played goalie, no matter how much I want to, and JV keeps losing. But varsity keeps winning. And so, I'm losing and winning AT THE SAME TIME. OHMIGASH.
OH. And I'm going to State for drama. In fact, our WHOLE TEAM is going to State. (Of course, this is the first year that's possible, but you know.) And we got a perfect score at Region. So that's pretty cool. =3
But right now things are stressful. I worked with Tiff on Sunday, and she fixed a lot of things in my monologue, so I'm pretty excited for State, but there's nothing to do in drama, and I just sit around with nobody to talk to because Makenzie's helping do panels. Bleh. And then when I do see Makenzie long enough to talk to, she just kinda huffs like there's something wrong, but when I ask, she denies it.
And I wish she'd say more. Maybe something like, "Not now, later." or "Not a big deal, just frustrated." And I'd stop worrying. I'd stop thinking that she's avoiding me or that she doesn't want to talk to me.
And don't get me started on Michael. I haven't talked to the kid in ages. And I don't think he cares. So here I go, giving up again.
I'm sick and tired of smelling my little brother's hands. I'm sick and tired of trying to fix our stupid satellite receiver. I'm sick and tired of trying to juggle my house crap with my school crap.
AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING WITH MY MOM.
We cannot get along. I don't know what it is, but I can never make her happy. And I just want to give up on that, but you can't just walk away from home, no matter how much you want to. Even if your friend who's going to be 18 invites you into her own home, offering to be your guardian. Hah.
So that's why I have mixed feelings about everything. Nothing seems to be working out, that's all.
"Love me, that's all I ask of you."
-Christine from The Phantom of the Opera.
<\3 = brittany
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
there goes a modern fairy tale I wish it could happen to me
Mood: Mellow, but stressing.
Listening To: Somebody's Miracle by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi 4.
Well, we had our very first JV game today. It was a heckofalot of fun. And now, STORYTIME.
I played for a FRIGGIN' long time. Sam kept putting me in, and the girl in the hole and I wrestled it out. When I was on her, she never got the ball. =3 And when I got tired and told Sam to take me out, I swam to the edge and Sam was right there, "EXCELLENT DEFENSE! EXCELLENT!" And she patted me on the back, then Jess and Annie had to drag me out of the pool, I was so tired. Then Coach Wells was there, "You were great! Great defense!" And Jess and all the other girls on the bench were saying, "You did wicked awesome!" "You did great!" "You were amazing!" "When you were out there, I was like, SWEET! GO BRITTANY!"
And all I wanted was a drink of water. =3
So that was friggin' awesome. =D
And now I must sleep.
"If you can't win today, then none of us have a future."
"You have love. That's the only future God gives us."
-Marius and Jean Valjean from "Les Miserables".
<3 = brittany
Listening To: Somebody's Miracle by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi 4.
Well, we had our very first JV game today. It was a heckofalot of fun. And now, STORYTIME.
I played for a FRIGGIN' long time. Sam kept putting me in, and the girl in the hole and I wrestled it out. When I was on her, she never got the ball. =3 And when I got tired and told Sam to take me out, I swam to the edge and Sam was right there, "EXCELLENT DEFENSE! EXCELLENT!" And she patted me on the back, then Jess and Annie had to drag me out of the pool, I was so tired. Then Coach Wells was there, "You were great! Great defense!" And Jess and all the other girls on the bench were saying, "You did wicked awesome!" "You did great!" "You were amazing!" "When you were out there, I was like, SWEET! GO BRITTANY!"
And all I wanted was a drink of water. =3
So that was friggin' awesome. =D
And now I must sleep.
"If you can't win today, then none of us have a future."
"You have love. That's the only future God gives us."
-Marius and Jean Valjean from "Les Miserables".
<3 = brittany
Monday, March 13, 2006
but we'll beg and borrow everything we need
Mood: I hate periods.
Listening To: "Count On My Love" by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi, yo!
Ah. End of term is on Friday, plus pizza practice, plus water polo tournament, then on Saturday it's region, plus water polo. And I don't think I'm ready for region. Sure, I'm more ready than last year, but anything was better than that. XD
Things are slowly getting better with my mom, but I know, this weekend it's all gonna happen all over again. Urgh.
I dunno. This was a short and pointless blog. I hate periods, by the way. HATE THEM.
"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"And then some."
-Bailiff and Velma Kelly in Chicago.
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Count On My Love" by Liz Phair.
Reading: 1 Nephi, yo!
Ah. End of term is on Friday, plus pizza practice, plus water polo tournament, then on Saturday it's region, plus water polo. And I don't think I'm ready for region. Sure, I'm more ready than last year, but anything was better than that. XD
Things are slowly getting better with my mom, but I know, this weekend it's all gonna happen all over again. Urgh.
I dunno. This was a short and pointless blog. I hate periods, by the way. HATE THEM.
"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"And then some."
-Bailiff and Velma Kelly in Chicago.
<3 = brittany
Saturday, March 11, 2006
when whilst thou save the people oh god of mercy when
Mood: I'm kinda out of it today.
Listening To: "God Save the People" from Godspell.
Reading: 1 Nephi 3.
Hoo. Tiffany's birthday party for me was last night. It was one of THE BEST things anyone has ever done for me. Ever. I freakin' love her. She even got me gifts. Like, expensive ones. Bath and Body Works lotion and body spray (which my mom broke), a Dickies watch, an Aeropostale shirt, Tic-Tacs, a purse, Disney princess markers, and chapstick. And Dono got me fruit snacks (suggestion of Lindsey Moe, who I freakin' love too). Holy fat cow, I wasn't expecting anything, and they went and got me stuff. And Lindsey gave me a sweet letter, yo. =D
So we had GREAT cake, and pizza, and ice cream, and root beer, and ice and Jess Coop. It was so awesome. I had a wonderful time. Her parents are so much like her, it's funny. Always worried about the comfort of people, always ready to serve. Oh, I love it.
And then I came home. And my mom and I got into a huge fight, I won't go into it. But she threw my presents all over the place, then we had a good ol' screamfest at each other, then I went to bed, crying.
I got up at 6:45 this morning, and I had to be at the pool at 7. So I booked it, and I was five minutes late. Stress. And then we worked on positions, so I played goalie for an hour. =3 I love goalie. Then we had this huge pancake breakfast, cleaned up the team room, reset lane lines, some girls scrubbed the locker rooms, and now I'm at home.
And I need a shower.
"I'll never give up my independence."
-Dancer, "Feiffer's People" by Jules Feiffer.
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "God Save the People" from Godspell.
Reading: 1 Nephi 3.
Hoo. Tiffany's birthday party for me was last night. It was one of THE BEST things anyone has ever done for me. Ever. I freakin' love her. She even got me gifts. Like, expensive ones. Bath and Body Works lotion and body spray (which my mom broke), a Dickies watch, an Aeropostale shirt, Tic-Tacs, a purse, Disney princess markers, and chapstick. And Dono got me fruit snacks (suggestion of Lindsey Moe, who I freakin' love too). Holy fat cow, I wasn't expecting anything, and they went and got me stuff. And Lindsey gave me a sweet letter, yo. =D
So we had GREAT cake, and pizza, and ice cream, and root beer, and ice and Jess Coop. It was so awesome. I had a wonderful time. Her parents are so much like her, it's funny. Always worried about the comfort of people, always ready to serve. Oh, I love it.
And then I came home. And my mom and I got into a huge fight, I won't go into it. But she threw my presents all over the place, then we had a good ol' screamfest at each other, then I went to bed, crying.
I got up at 6:45 this morning, and I had to be at the pool at 7. So I booked it, and I was five minutes late. Stress. And then we worked on positions, so I played goalie for an hour. =3 I love goalie. Then we had this huge pancake breakfast, cleaned up the team room, reset lane lines, some girls scrubbed the locker rooms, and now I'm at home.
And I need a shower.
"I'll never give up my independence."
-Dancer, "Feiffer's People" by Jules Feiffer.
<3 = brittany
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
please just don't play with me my paper heart will bleed
Mood: Actually, I'm kinda bitter. But I'm SO FRIGGIN TIRED.
Listening To: "Paper Heart" by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: Book of Mormon and my monologue, "Fieffer's People" by Jules Fieffer.
So, my birthday has come and gone, and I had THE BEST birthday a girl could ask for. First, Kenzie calls me at midnight. I didn't have my cell phone with me, and my home phone didn't ring, but I finally got to my phone and listened to her voice message. She sang "Happy Birthday" to me. So sweet. So I called her back and showered her with my love and excitement, then finally went to bed. In the morning, I went to church, got cards there, plus an anonymous letter from this sweet girl in my ward, then I came home for an hour (during this time, Travis called and sang Happy Birthday), then my parents took Lindsey and I out to eat at Applebee's (and during this time Rikki called and wished me a Happy Birthday), and then we dropped Lindsey off at home, and I took my mom to Home Depot. Afterward, when we were going from Home Depot to Wal-Mart, Kenzie calls me. I freak out trying to get the phone out of my pocket, then I finally got it on speakerphone, and my mom held it while I drove.
"Where are you?"
"Taking my mom to Wal-Mart."
"You need to be at your house, like, right now!"
"What for?"
"There's just... a surprise there for you."
"Where are you, Kenzie?"
"Uh...home."
"Right. Okay. I'm coming home."
We turn around at Wal-Mart and head back to Overlake, and Kenzie calls again right as I'm about to turn.
"Where are you?"
"We're turning into Overlake right now!"
"Okay!" Click.
When I get home, I open my front door, and Michael and Makenzie are waiting with a homemade cake. It was so cute. Part of the B in birthday was mashed in, and it was a classic homemade cake. All smushed in with love. =3
So we ate cake, and they had to leave, and I was just so full of love for the world that the warm fuzzies DID NOT GO AWAY that night.
At 8:40-ish, Tiffany called and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. I love that girl.
So, yeah, I had a GREAT birthday.
But on a different note, we had our Purple-White game today for water polo, and we tied. I'm really happy about that. I thought we'd lose. And then came auditions for the competition one-act, "Haiku". I got cut with the first group (like I always am. It just doesn't hurt anymore), and went home and got stressed out because of lack of sleep, and I don't understand math, and my mom's freaking out at my dad, and my dad's freaking out at my mom, and I'm just trying to fold clothes like a good little girl and stay out of it...
So I'm just frustrated right now.
But hopefully things will turn up.
"Oh, those are Willum's. Willum has a pair like that. Probably."
-Tansy about flowered boxer shorts, from "The Nerd" by Larry Shue.
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Paper Heart" by The All-American Rejects.
Reading: Book of Mormon and my monologue, "Fieffer's People" by Jules Fieffer.
So, my birthday has come and gone, and I had THE BEST birthday a girl could ask for. First, Kenzie calls me at midnight. I didn't have my cell phone with me, and my home phone didn't ring, but I finally got to my phone and listened to her voice message. She sang "Happy Birthday" to me. So sweet. So I called her back and showered her with my love and excitement, then finally went to bed. In the morning, I went to church, got cards there, plus an anonymous letter from this sweet girl in my ward, then I came home for an hour (during this time, Travis called and sang Happy Birthday), then my parents took Lindsey and I out to eat at Applebee's (and during this time Rikki called and wished me a Happy Birthday), and then we dropped Lindsey off at home, and I took my mom to Home Depot. Afterward, when we were going from Home Depot to Wal-Mart, Kenzie calls me. I freak out trying to get the phone out of my pocket, then I finally got it on speakerphone, and my mom held it while I drove.
"Where are you?"
"Taking my mom to Wal-Mart."
"You need to be at your house, like, right now!"
"What for?"
"There's just... a surprise there for you."
"Where are you, Kenzie?"
"Uh...home."
"Right. Okay. I'm coming home."
We turn around at Wal-Mart and head back to Overlake, and Kenzie calls again right as I'm about to turn.
"Where are you?"
"We're turning into Overlake right now!"
"Okay!" Click.
When I get home, I open my front door, and Michael and Makenzie are waiting with a homemade cake. It was so cute. Part of the B in birthday was mashed in, and it was a classic homemade cake. All smushed in with love. =3
So we ate cake, and they had to leave, and I was just so full of love for the world that the warm fuzzies DID NOT GO AWAY that night.
At 8:40-ish, Tiffany called and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. I love that girl.
So, yeah, I had a GREAT birthday.
But on a different note, we had our Purple-White game today for water polo, and we tied. I'm really happy about that. I thought we'd lose. And then came auditions for the competition one-act, "Haiku". I got cut with the first group (like I always am. It just doesn't hurt anymore), and went home and got stressed out because of lack of sleep, and I don't understand math, and my mom's freaking out at my dad, and my dad's freaking out at my mom, and I'm just trying to fold clothes like a good little girl and stay out of it...
So I'm just frustrated right now.
But hopefully things will turn up.
"Oh, those are Willum's. Willum has a pair like that. Probably."
-Tansy about flowered boxer shorts, from "The Nerd" by Larry Shue.
<3 = brittany
Sunday, February 19, 2006
and so it has been and so it is written
Mood: Pretty mellow.
Listening To: "Stars" from Les Miserables.
Reading: 3 Nephi 20-something.
So. I haven't posted for a heck of a long time.
I went to Girl's Day last night, I had a pretty good time. Nothing can match Winter Ball yet, so we'll see.
And here's some exciting news. I MADE THE WATER POLO TEAM. Yes. I am so excited. And I'm on the "Purple team" meaning they will choose varsity from our group. Oh my. I'm scared. I want varsity, but I'll be just fine with transition, meaning they practice with varsity but play JV games. Jooknow.
So right now polo is taking over my life. And I'm glad. That means no more hanging around my house, wondering what I'm going to do. And I don't really want to be around my house much because my mom's going on her "You don't care about me you're so ungrateful" kicks that make me feel guiltier than heck. I mean, I know I don't always show her the love I feel because I'm not that way toward my family. I'm kinda cynical and sarcastic around them. I need to work on that, I know. So bleh on that.
L'anyhoodle. Didn't go to church today. That kinda brings me down. Ah... I dunno. I'm just hanging out between happy and sad. I'm kinda...blank. You know. I need to get out of my house. Mur.
"Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!"
-A signature on dA
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Stars" from Les Miserables.
Reading: 3 Nephi 20-something.
So. I haven't posted for a heck of a long time.
I went to Girl's Day last night, I had a pretty good time. Nothing can match Winter Ball yet, so we'll see.
And here's some exciting news. I MADE THE WATER POLO TEAM. Yes. I am so excited. And I'm on the "Purple team" meaning they will choose varsity from our group. Oh my. I'm scared. I want varsity, but I'll be just fine with transition, meaning they practice with varsity but play JV games. Jooknow.
So right now polo is taking over my life. And I'm glad. That means no more hanging around my house, wondering what I'm going to do. And I don't really want to be around my house much because my mom's going on her "You don't care about me you're so ungrateful" kicks that make me feel guiltier than heck. I mean, I know I don't always show her the love I feel because I'm not that way toward my family. I'm kinda cynical and sarcastic around them. I need to work on that, I know. So bleh on that.
L'anyhoodle. Didn't go to church today. That kinda brings me down. Ah... I dunno. I'm just hanging out between happy and sad. I'm kinda...blank. You know. I need to get out of my house. Mur.
"Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!"
-A signature on dA
<3 = brittany
Monday, January 30, 2006
but the world was sleeping any dream will do
Mood: Trying to make things look up.
Listening To: Nothing! But "Any Dream Will Do" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is stuck in mah noggin.
Reading: 3 Nephi 1! Woo yeah woo!
Ohmahgash. Winter Ball was awesome. I had so much fun. Squee. And things are going well with Travis, and Kenzie wants me to go to the hand-holding stage, but I'm holding back. She says she'll give me lessons. XD
AND UTA. HOLY FAT COW. SO MUCH FUN. Not as much fun as it could have been, but a friggin' lot of fun. Cary Trivanovich is amazing, Joseph and the ATD is AWESOME, and I like long bus rides. And I like writing "Things I Learned At" papers.
Right now, I'm acutally finishing a science project for Michael and me, and then I'll have to start work on some memory cards for YW, and then tomorrow I get to start work on a project for math. Bleh.
But I'm making myself look on the bright side and keep my chin up. No more hanging around in the dumps. No more letting things hurt me too much. No more, no more, no more.
I have a Majester "evaluation show" on Saturday, and I'm hoping Travis will come to that. (Kenzie offered to be there too.) And Sal's party is on Friday, and we're probably going to make an extended appearance then disappear to go do something with the gang. Dang, that sounds kinda mean. But Travis took the weekend off to "do something with everybody". And everyone tells me that he took the weekend off for me. Aw. <3
"Please, stop, I don't believe in free love!"
"Pity."
-Joseph and Mrs. Potiphar from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat".
<3 = brittany
Listening To: Nothing! But "Any Dream Will Do" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is stuck in mah noggin.
Reading: 3 Nephi 1! Woo yeah woo!
Ohmahgash. Winter Ball was awesome. I had so much fun. Squee. And things are going well with Travis, and Kenzie wants me to go to the hand-holding stage, but I'm holding back. She says she'll give me lessons. XD
AND UTA. HOLY FAT COW. SO MUCH FUN. Not as much fun as it could have been, but a friggin' lot of fun. Cary Trivanovich is amazing, Joseph and the ATD is AWESOME, and I like long bus rides. And I like writing "Things I Learned At" papers.
Right now, I'm acutally finishing a science project for Michael and me, and then I'll have to start work on some memory cards for YW, and then tomorrow I get to start work on a project for math. Bleh.
But I'm making myself look on the bright side and keep my chin up. No more hanging around in the dumps. No more letting things hurt me too much. No more, no more, no more.
I have a Majester "evaluation show" on Saturday, and I'm hoping Travis will come to that. (Kenzie offered to be there too.) And Sal's party is on Friday, and we're probably going to make an extended appearance then disappear to go do something with the gang. Dang, that sounds kinda mean. But Travis took the weekend off to "do something with everybody". And everyone tells me that he took the weekend off for me. Aw. <3
"Please, stop, I don't believe in free love!"
"Pity."
-Joseph and Mrs. Potiphar from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat".
<3 = brittany
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
oh yes oh yes oh yes they both oh yes they both oh yes they both reached for the gun the gun the gun
Mood: Grr. Sick and tired.
Listening To: "They Both Reached For the Gun" from Chicago.
Reading: Alma 51.
Dangit, I am so confused and so tired and and so frustrated and I wish I could just be happy.
I mean, serously.
Da Brittster says : So how'd you find out Travis was going to ask me?
Liz says : we were at the wrestling tourny for ex. credit in med. anat... and he mentioned he liked you... so i said ask her!
Liz says : and he was like I will! good thinking!
Liz says : :D
A boy LIKES me. And I can't be really happy about it because of this stupid thing with Michael and Kenzie. BUT A BOY LIKES ME.
Homigash. Winter Ball. I cannot wait.
Conference. I cannot wait. Even if I don't have Michael and Kenzie I have everyone else. Like Liz and Lindsey and Emma and Elle and Mikal and Sal and TRAVIS and Kevin...
I'm gonna have fun.
But I wish I could clear all this M&M (Michael and Makenzie) stuff up. I wish everyone'd just chin up and get things done. I wish everyone (including me) would pull themselves out of their pity holes and brush themselves off.
Dangit.
I want to fix my heart so that I can take hold of this boy. Of boys in general. I want to start being more open with my crushes. I want to flirt, I want to giggle, I want to be a girl.
<|3 = brittany
Listening To: "They Both Reached For the Gun" from Chicago.
Reading: Alma 51.
Dangit, I am so confused and so tired and and so frustrated and I wish I could just be happy.
I mean, serously.
Da Brittster says : So how'd you find out Travis was going to ask me?
Liz says : we were at the wrestling tourny for ex. credit in med. anat... and he mentioned he liked you... so i said ask her!
Liz says : and he was like I will! good thinking!
Liz says : :D
A boy LIKES me. And I can't be really happy about it because of this stupid thing with Michael and Kenzie. BUT A BOY LIKES ME.
Homigash. Winter Ball. I cannot wait.
Conference. I cannot wait. Even if I don't have Michael and Kenzie I have everyone else. Like Liz and Lindsey and Emma and Elle and Mikal and Sal and TRAVIS and Kevin...
I'm gonna have fun.
But I wish I could clear all this M&M (Michael and Makenzie) stuff up. I wish everyone'd just chin up and get things done. I wish everyone (including me) would pull themselves out of their pity holes and brush themselves off.
Dangit.
I want to fix my heart so that I can take hold of this boy. Of boys in general. I want to start being more open with my crushes. I want to flirt, I want to giggle, I want to be a girl.
<|3 = brittany
Monday, January 09, 2006
pop six squish uh-uh cicero lipschitz
Mood: OH MY. Still on a high from this morning.
Listening To: Cell Block Tango from Chicago.
Reading: Alma 53.
HOLY FLAT COW.
I GOT ASKED TO WINTER BALL. For the full story, go to...
HERE.
I'm too lazy to retype it.
But holy cow. I cannot believe it.
And I am SOOOO HAPPY.
And I have the Chicago soundtrack. Love.
"God, that's beautiful."
"Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted."
-Roxie and Billy from "Chicago".
<3 = brittany
Listening To: Cell Block Tango from Chicago.
Reading: Alma 53.
HOLY FLAT COW.
I GOT ASKED TO WINTER BALL. For the full story, go to...
HERE.
I'm too lazy to retype it.
But holy cow. I cannot believe it.
And I am SOOOO HAPPY.
And I have the Chicago soundtrack. Love.
"God, that's beautiful."
"Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted."
-Roxie and Billy from "Chicago".
<3 = brittany
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
mister cellophane shoulda been my name
Mood: Blank and bothered.
Listening To: Nothing, but I have "Mister Cellophane" from Chicago stuck in my head.
Reading: Alma 47.
Holy fat cow.
WHAT THE FRIGGIN CRAP.
Okay?
You know, I try and I try. I try to be there, I try to be open, I try to tell her the truth, I try to tell her what she wants to hear, I try to offer my opinion.
And what does she do?
Shoot me down.
I'm just a girl who I guess everybody thinks I'll always be there. Everyone thinks they can fall back on me when all their other friends give up on them. And yeah, I try to be. I want to be. That's what I'm here for, isn't it? To pick up the pieces? The pieces that won't be picked up by anyone else. The pieces that everyone else has given up on.
Yeah. That's what I'm good for.
But no. She won't tell me what's wrong. She gives me general, noncommital answers, and I feel offended. I thought that she was able to be completely open with me. I try to be with her. She's always telling me, "C'mon, this is Kenz you're talking to." And I'd open up. But she won't open up for me.
I want to give up on it all.
I see why people become hermits. I see why people just live alone.
Because it hurts to have friends. It hurts to have family. It hurts to love someone.
I hate it.
But I love it.
And I hurt.
<|3 = brittany
Listening To: Nothing, but I have "Mister Cellophane" from Chicago stuck in my head.
Reading: Alma 47.
Holy fat cow.
WHAT THE FRIGGIN CRAP.
Okay?
You know, I try and I try. I try to be there, I try to be open, I try to tell her the truth, I try to tell her what she wants to hear, I try to offer my opinion.
And what does she do?
Shoot me down.
I'm just a girl who I guess everybody thinks I'll always be there. Everyone thinks they can fall back on me when all their other friends give up on them. And yeah, I try to be. I want to be. That's what I'm here for, isn't it? To pick up the pieces? The pieces that won't be picked up by anyone else. The pieces that everyone else has given up on.
Yeah. That's what I'm good for.
But no. She won't tell me what's wrong. She gives me general, noncommital answers, and I feel offended. I thought that she was able to be completely open with me. I try to be with her. She's always telling me, "C'mon, this is Kenz you're talking to." And I'd open up. But she won't open up for me.
I want to give up on it all.
I see why people become hermits. I see why people just live alone.
Because it hurts to have friends. It hurts to have family. It hurts to love someone.
I hate it.
But I love it.
And I hurt.
<|3 = brittany
Sunday, January 01, 2006
we's as free as fishes sure beats washing dishes
Mood: Bored.
Listening To: "Carrying the Banner" from Newsies
Reading: Alma 43.
Wow. It's 2006. I turn sixteen this year. February 26. Holy cow.
I don't have much to say, other than, poo, school's starting tomorrow...
Christmas break was a ton of fun, but it can't go on forever. I wouldn't want it to either, I just don't want it to end so early. Grr.
I guess that's it, though. Like I said, there's not much to say.
"I smell money."
"You smell foul."
-Kid Blink and Crutchy from "Newsies".
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Carrying the Banner" from Newsies
Reading: Alma 43.
Wow. It's 2006. I turn sixteen this year. February 26. Holy cow.
I don't have much to say, other than, poo, school's starting tomorrow...
Christmas break was a ton of fun, but it can't go on forever. I wouldn't want it to either, I just don't want it to end so early. Grr.
I guess that's it, though. Like I said, there's not much to say.
"I smell money."
"You smell foul."
-Kid Blink and Crutchy from "Newsies".
<3 = brittany
Sunday, December 25, 2005
o come let us adore him
Mood: EXCITEMENT!
Listening To: "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Reading: Alma 34.
Oh joy. We opened presents early, at midnight, and I am thoroughly happy with what I got.
Remember me wanting a canvas?
Yeah. I GOT ONE.
And Edward Scissorhands and Phantom of the Opera on DVD.
And lots of socks.
And Canadian pajama pants.
And a haircut. X3
And a few other little things, but I'm very happy.
Oh, and I sing in church today. We're singing "O Come All Ye Faithful" and I have a solo at the very beginning. Agh, I'm nervous now.
But I have to go do my hair and stuff, so I'll leave now. XD
"We're being invited places by colored people!"
"It feels so hip!"
-Penny and Tracy, "Hairspray"
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Reading: Alma 34.
Oh joy. We opened presents early, at midnight, and I am thoroughly happy with what I got.
Remember me wanting a canvas?
Yeah. I GOT ONE.
And Edward Scissorhands and Phantom of the Opera on DVD.
And lots of socks.
And Canadian pajama pants.
And a haircut. X3
And a few other little things, but I'm very happy.
Oh, and I sing in church today. We're singing "O Come All Ye Faithful" and I have a solo at the very beginning. Agh, I'm nervous now.
But I have to go do my hair and stuff, so I'll leave now. XD
"We're being invited places by colored people!"
"It feels so hip!"
-Penny and Tracy, "Hairspray"
<3 = brittany
Sunday, December 18, 2005
lady, lady love me because I love to lay here lazy
Mood: Pretty good. Happy, you could say.
Listening To: "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson
Reading: "That Summer" by ----- Dessen.
Woo-hoo! Christmas break! Christmas break! -dancedancedance- So excited. X3
And I got the GREATEST Christmas gift ever. GOGGLES! Love. Da Linzer got them for me. They're black motorcycle goggles nad I wear them upon my head and look like a bug when I wear them for real. XD
So they've been added to the bottom of my "Things That Make Me Happy" list.
Christmas break better rock, and I need to drive now. Tiffany's offered to take me around, so I hope she's serious about that, because I really need to learn.
I'm doing okay. And no school! X3
"Look! The artichoke is steamed."
- Glinda from "Wicked".
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson
Reading: "That Summer" by ----- Dessen.
Woo-hoo! Christmas break! Christmas break! -dancedancedance- So excited. X3
And I got the GREATEST Christmas gift ever. GOGGLES! Love. Da Linzer got them for me. They're black motorcycle goggles nad I wear them upon my head and look like a bug when I wear them for real. XD
So they've been added to the bottom of my "Things That Make Me Happy" list.
Christmas break better rock, and I need to drive now. Tiffany's offered to take me around, so I hope she's serious about that, because I really need to learn.
I'm doing okay. And no school! X3
"Look! The artichoke is steamed."
- Glinda from "Wicked".
<3 = brittany
Saturday, December 10, 2005
you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
Mood: So happy I've got the shivers.
Listening To: "For Good" from Wicked.
Reading: "Someone Like You" by ---- Desson.
Oh love. I was just told that my stuff is good enough to publish by another person.
Narnia rocks my world!!! says: he was like, "She writes way good. I don't think she realizes how good she is. She needs to publish"
Da Brittster says: No way. He said that?
Da Brittster says: *totally loves the Donovan*
Narnia rocks my world!!! says: yeah
Narnia is Tiffany, Da Brittster is me.
So, dood. I am all shivery with joy. And she's going to use my "not really a poem, but..." piece for a school paper and that makes me happy. <3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
And things are going SOOO much better with the boy-o. We talked for two hours the other night, then last night, I slept over at Kenzie's, and we snuck him out of his house and talked for another two or three hours. We all needed it.
So, there is much love. Much.
Waldgrave: What has gotten into that boy?
Clelia: I can't conceive.
Axel: We all wish.
-"The Nerd", Larry Shue
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "For Good" from Wicked.
Reading: "Someone Like You" by ---- Desson.
Oh love. I was just told that my stuff is good enough to publish by another person.
Narnia rocks my world!!! says: he was like, "She writes way good. I don't think she realizes how good she is. She needs to publish"
Da Brittster says: No way. He said that?
Da Brittster says: *totally loves the Donovan*
Narnia rocks my world!!! says: yeah
Narnia is Tiffany, Da Brittster is me.
So, dood. I am all shivery with joy. And she's going to use my "not really a poem, but..." piece for a school paper and that makes me happy. <3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
And things are going SOOO much better with the boy-o. We talked for two hours the other night, then last night, I slept over at Kenzie's, and we snuck him out of his house and talked for another two or three hours. We all needed it.
So, there is much love. Much.
Waldgrave: What has gotten into that boy?
Clelia: I can't conceive.
Axel: We all wish.
-"The Nerd", Larry Shue
<3 = brittany
Thursday, December 01, 2005
with your silly jokes and prattle
Mood: Doing...better.
Listening To: "Give It to 'Em Good, Carrie" from Carousel.
Reading: "The Nerd" by Larry Shue.
Oh me-an. Well. That last entry was all happy and cheerful, wasn't it?
I'm giving up on him. That's it. That's what I've needed to do for three years, and I'm bringing myself to it now. I can't hang on him like some conjoined twin, I don't need to know about everything he does, and I don't need to call him anymore. That's all.
So I'm working on that.
But it's so hard to let someone go, even if he is a jerk. You know?
This is gonna be really short, and lately I haven't been talking much about what I've been doing in life, I've just kinda been venting and "sharing my feelings". Psshaw.
I just don't know what to think anymore. Things are way too complicated and way too confusing.
But, ah, my hands are going to freeze off. So I'll leave now.
"Pretentious? Moi?"
-Axel, "The Nerd"
<3 = brittany
Listening To: "Give It to 'Em Good, Carrie" from Carousel.
Reading: "The Nerd" by Larry Shue.
Oh me-an. Well. That last entry was all happy and cheerful, wasn't it?
I'm giving up on him. That's it. That's what I've needed to do for three years, and I'm bringing myself to it now. I can't hang on him like some conjoined twin, I don't need to know about everything he does, and I don't need to call him anymore. That's all.
So I'm working on that.
But it's so hard to let someone go, even if he is a jerk. You know?
This is gonna be really short, and lately I haven't been talking much about what I've been doing in life, I've just kinda been venting and "sharing my feelings". Psshaw.
I just don't know what to think anymore. Things are way too complicated and way too confusing.
But, ah, my hands are going to freeze off. So I'll leave now.
"Pretentious? Moi?"
-Axel, "The Nerd"
<3 = brittany
Friday, November 25, 2005
..
Jerk jerk jerk.
You do this because you think I'll always be there, huh? You think I can never let go. You think that you don't hurt me when you totally blow me off like that. You know what? I hate it. I don't hate you. I hate what you do when you have a girl. I hate it.
You're a jerk. I don't know why I hang on, but I love you. I love you like a brother, but you've hurt me so many times.
One day I'm not going to be there, kid, and I hope you miss me.
You do this because you think I'll always be there, huh? You think I can never let go. You think that you don't hurt me when you totally blow me off like that. You know what? I hate it. I don't hate you. I hate what you do when you have a girl. I hate it.
You're a jerk. I don't know why I hang on, but I love you. I love you like a brother, but you've hurt me so many times.
One day I'm not going to be there, kid, and I hope you miss me.
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